Tony Ferguson Weightloss Program / Tony Ferguson / Jokes

Potentially & Realistically

Jenderella — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:10:27 GMT

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially'

you and I are sitting on three million dollars..... ;)

But 'realistically'....

we're living with two hookers and a queer! :w00t:

just a funnie

~~Mountain-Maiden~~ — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:48:09 GMT

CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Coolangatta . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane
Can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
Take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long..'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear...............

He's gotta land the plane and take a crap first.'

Guts or Balls

BigSteve — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:40:35 GMT

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to
keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying some where?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
death.

Kids Comments

BigSteve — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 07:21:36 GMT

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a rest au rant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient d au ghter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite au dibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Female Demerit System

BigSteve — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 07:14:29 GMT

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8 )

* But return with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

* You stay by her side the entire party (0)

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

* Named Tina (-10)

* Tina is a dancer (-20)

* Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner (+2)

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

* Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

* It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

* You take her to a movie (+1)

* You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

* You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

* You take her to a movie you like (-2)

* It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

* You say, 'It doesn't matter, you have one too.' (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

* She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

* You hesitate in responding (-10)

* You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

* Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

* You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Chocolate....

Jenderella — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:35:49 GMT

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Christmas Poems

mallyflea — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:42:57 GMT

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Jesus

Jenderella — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:25:23 GMT

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk:
'Friend......Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk:
'Brother.....Have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers 'No.....I haven't found Jesus!'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds and when the drunk begins kicking his legs and thrashing his arms about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk: 'For the love of God.....HAVE you found Jesus?'

(ready for this.....??)

*
*
*
*

Coughing and spluttering, the drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

About Men

jwrenz — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:35:26 GMT

MEN!!!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided

to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,

he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, * Ohio State *

And they say
blondes are dumb....

----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'

The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........

----------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be
men.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy..

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping

for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they

are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

-------------------------------------------------

'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

~~Mountain-Maiden~~ — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:28:56 GMT

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS..' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order

The Mum Test

Shortcake63 — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:15:53 GMT

THE MUM TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something
off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, And probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on
the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have
to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

INSTALLING HTML HUSBAND V1.0

Vixxsin ~ Take 2 ~ — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:46:50 GMT

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7..

Good Luck!

Tech Support

The Native Indian With One Testicle

Vixxsin ~ Take 2 ~ — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:43:54 GMT

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no-one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Blind Cowboy (blonde joke..sorry)

Vixxsin ~ Take 2 ~ — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:53:08 GMT

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A gift for the wife??

Jenderella — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:16:58 GMT

I'm sorry but i have a pretty warped sense of humour (apparently) and i couldn't let this one go unshared!

Still laughing.....:D

POCKET TAZER STUN GUN

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at our local sporting store that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid.' Reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .. WHAT THE ...!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered
conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

jwrenz — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:00:21 GMT

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine:w00t:

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, My husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.:D

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
=0 AMONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. :w00t: Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Blonde Joke

relledriver — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:15:09 GMT

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a

professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional

wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:) :)

Chinese Proverb for Life

Jenderella — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:22:43 GMT

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like Bubble,

One prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright Organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch arse
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One good turn

Jenderella — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:01:29 GMT

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. :w00t:

Venus v Mars

Jenderella — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:53:55 GMT

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently......I'm not having sex tonight either.......

but at least the wench knows I'm smarter than her! :angry:

Italian Boy's Confession

relledriver — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:00:14 GMT

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

oops

d_eskimo — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:17:14 GMT

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Wheelie Bin ....

relledriver — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:55:27 GMT

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! no ! mate, Where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista.........!"

Abbott & Costello

Jenderella — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:50:28 GMT

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT :

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............. :w00t:

Fruit Loops

Jenderella — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:34:15 GMT

Fruit Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began
to say:

'Red.............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,

'Orange.........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!' :hehe::hehe::hehe:

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

mallyflea — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 09:01:13 GMT

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Joelle what he had done?

'I read a book' she replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

( I love this...)

Joelle thought real hard about it, then puffed out her chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'

Walking the dog

Jenderella — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:32:03 GMT

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu????'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' :w00t:

Warning to Women

mallyflea — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 09:13:41 GMT

WARNING TO WOMEN!!

Some of you may have already been warned of this.....

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original and was at least three sizes bigger! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey's neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.

P.P.S. - These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do it???? Just thought you should know.

Kiwi Humour

notablonde — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 21:33:03 GMT

Three Australians and three kiwis are travelling by train to a cricket match
at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a
ticket and watch as the three kiwis buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of
the Aussies.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train.

The Aussies take their respective seats but all three kiwis cram into a
toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers a Kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon
after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to the
toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket
please."

6 Affairs

Bubbles1752 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:35:31 GMT

First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.!

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby..
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such!

an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room! .

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?! ' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

( : > )

New Survior Series

Bubbles1752 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:34:42 GMT

AN IDEA FOR THE NEXT

“SURVIVOR SERIES”

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports

and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework, and

complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each

week.

Each man must remember the

Birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out

on time--no Emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and

inconvenient visit per child to the A & E.

He must also make biscuits or cakes

for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for

decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep

and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time

at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning,

feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following

information:

each child's birthday,

height, weight,

shoe size, clothes size

and doctor's name.

Also the child's

weight at birth,

length, time of birth,

and length of labour,

each child's favourite colour,

middle name,

favourite snack,

favourite song,

favourite drink,

favourite toy,

biggest fear and

what they want to be

when they grow up.

All the above must be completed whilst working in either full time

(preferably) or part time employment to assist in the financial input for

the family.

The kids vote them off the island

based on performance.

The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his

spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mum!

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a laugh out of it and as many

men as you think can handle it!

Just don't send it back to me....

I'm going to bed!

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

Jenderella — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:09:39 GMT

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

Life

Jenderella — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 11:01:55 GMT

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Frustrated Wife

Jenderella — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:36:06 GMT

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

'Want some of this ?' she purred.

'Are you kidding ?' he replied.

'Look what it did to your underwear.' :w00t:

Mirror Mirror

Jenderella — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:11:42 GMT

The Letter from Camp....

mallyflea — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:48:55 GMT

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie

Wheelie Bin

Jenderella — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:34:50 GMT

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! no ! mate, Where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista.........!"

Tongue twisters

mallyflea — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 20:33:27 GMT

Tongue Twisters !

If Stu chews shoes,should Stu choose the shoes he chews?

Which witch wished which wish?

If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch? .......

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

Six sticky sucker sticks.

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

Silly sheep weep and sleep.

Old woman on ageing

*Lilac* — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 20:38:48 GMT

[img]http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m117/skinessence/age.jpg[/img]

Forrest Gump

Shortcake63 — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:56:13 GMT

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates , met by St. Peter himself. However , the gates are closed ,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said , "Well , Forrest ,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
Tell you , though , that the place is filling up fast , and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short , but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds , "It sure is

Good to be here , St. Peter , sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance

Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued , "Yes , I
Know , Forrest , but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter , who waves him up , and
Says , "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over ,
Tell me your answers"

Forrest replied , "Well , the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks , that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed , "Forrest , that is not what I was thinking , but you do
Have a point , and I guess I did not specify , so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder , " replied For rest , but I thunk and thunk about
That , and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded , St. Peter said , "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest , how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?"

Forrest replied , "Shucks , there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd , February 2nd , March 2nd.. "

"Hold it , " interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this , and I see your point ,
Though th at was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one , too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure , " Forrest replied ,
"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.

"Ok , I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions , but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks , that was the easiest
One of all , " Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song , "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME , ANDY TALKS WITH ME , ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates ,
And said:
"RUN Forrest , RUN"

Give me a sense of humor , Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke ,
To get some humor out of life , And to pass it on to other folks

Be Reminded: Some peoples'
daily mission is simply to annoy you!
Try not to let them! Have a nice day!