Tony Ferguson Weightloss Program / Tony Ferguson / Jokes

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

John_P — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:15:55 GMT

Not actually having the said appendages I thought some of you girls may appreciate this poem

John

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,

When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,

When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,

Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,

From the men on the site to the men in the suits,

Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,

Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,

When they're less in the air and more near the floor,

When people see less of them rather than more,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

just a mum

beachbum — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:55:30 GMT

JUST A MUM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration office,
Was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

'What I mean is,' explained the counter clerk,
'do you have a job or are you just a ..?'

'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.

'I'm a Mum.'

'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,

'housewife' covers it,'
Said the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Medicare office.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'

'What is your occupation?' she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
Looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
In bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
And already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
And I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are
More of a satisfaction rather than just money.'

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
Completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
Testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.' Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
'Associate Research Assistants.'

Please send this to another Mum,
Grandmother,
Aunt,
And other friends you know.

May your troubles be less,
Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!

birds and the bees

beachbum — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:52:08 GMT

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

:w00t::D

Can't beat Aussie logic

beachbum — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:48:29 GMT

>> > Subject: Can't beat Aussie Logic

>> >
>> > Four men were sitting around a conference
>> room table being
>> > interviewed for a job.
>> >
>> > The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest
>> thing you know of?"
>> >
>> > The first man replied "A thought. It pops
>> into your head, there's
>> > no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just
>> there. A thought is the
>> > fastest thing I know of.
>> >
>> > "That's very good" replied the interviewer.
>> "And now you, sir," he
>> > asked the second man.
>> >
>> > "Hmmm, let me see.... a blink!," said the
>> second man. "It comes
>> > and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A
>> blink is the fastest
>> > thing I know of."
>> >
>> > "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The
>> blink of an eye" That's a
>> > very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to
>> the third man who was
>> > contemplating his reply.
>> >
>> > "Well, out on my dad's property, you step
>> out of the house and on
>> > the wall there is a light switch. When you flip
>> that switch, way across
>> > the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an
>> instant. Turning on a
>> > light is the fastest thing I can think of."
>> >
>> > The interviewer was very impressed with the
>> third answer and
>> > thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat
>> the speed of light", he
>> > said.
>> >
>> > Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he
>> posed the same
>> > question
>> >
>> > "After hearing the three previous answers,
>> it's obvious to me the
>> > fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie.
>> >
>> > "What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the
>> response?
>> >
>> > "Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie, "You
>> see, the other day I
>> > wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.
>> But, before I could,
>> > think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my
>> pants."
>> >
>> > He got the job.......
>> >
>> >

male or female?

beachbum — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:43:30 GMT

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...

Look down, not scroll down

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe:

you know your aussie if...

beachbum — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:40:34 GMT

You know you're Australian if.....
Written by Richard Glover of ABC radio
___________________________

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed
in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal
such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first
attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and
with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs"
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total b……" but someone you really, truly despise is
just "a bit of a b…….".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big
as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy"
can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which
point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of
the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon
Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt
with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world
was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently
in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach
cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
"Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched
by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks,
suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and
then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
overseas, realising that only they will understand.

(from The Sydney Morning Herald, Jan 26, 2008).

the final word on nutrition and health:

John_P — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:39:39 GMT

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Stay!!!

Leah78 — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 22:18:53 GMT

STAY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

pickle slicer

panda1971 — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 13:03:47 GMT

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

===============================================

Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version

mallyflea — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 06:51:23 GMT

Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version
=============================================

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

The Muppets

gina.jane — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 06:27:25 GMT

Enjoy..

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=656559

The spoilt under 30 crowd

Lil Ness — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:39:51 GMT

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning

...Uphill..barefoot.

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up

ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! when the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!

You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen........Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoonson Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove . Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoilt. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

3 horses

John_P — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:51:02 GMT

A man was walking down a track in a forest when he saw an old American Indian and his wife sitting by a fire.

He started a conversation with the old Indian and eventually asked "what's your wife's name"

"She Called 3 Horse"

"Interesting name " he commented, "how did she get that name"

The old Indian replied "It be Old Indian name that mean NAG, NAG, NAG"

:D:D:D

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUSSIE WHEN........

slim sim — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:22:07 GMT

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN WHEN

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total ba$tard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a ba$tard'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand

Diet for stressed women

Robot — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:52:09 GMT

DIET FOR STRESSED WOMEN

    This is a specially formulated Diet designed to help WOMEN

    Cope with the stress that builds up during the day. I

    Have found that it REALLY Works!!

     BREAKFAST:

     * 1 Grapefruit

    * 1 Slice Whole-wheat toast

    * 1 Cup Skimmed Milk

    LUNCH

     * 1 Small Portion Lean steamed Chicken with Cup of Spinach

    * 1 Cup Herbal Tea

    * 1 Penguin Biscuit

    AFTERNOON TEA

     * The Rest of the Penguins from the packet

    * 1 Tub Gino Ginelli Ice Cream with chocolate topping

    DINNER

     * 4 Bottles of Wine (Red or White)

    * 2 Loaves of Garlic Bread

    * 1 Family size supreme pizza

    * 3 Snickers Bars

    LATE NIGHT SNACK

    * 1 Whole Cheesecake (Eaten Directly from the freezer)

    REMEMBER: 'Stressed'spelt Backwards is 'desserts.' Send

    This to 4 other women and you will lose 2 kg.

    Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and

    You will lose 10 kg. If you delete this message you will

    Gain 10 kg.

    Here's some advice for you:

     Doctors proclaim the way to achieve inner peace is

    to finish all the things that you have started.

    I've looked

    Around my house to find all

    The things that I've started

    And hadn't finished. I've just

    Finished off a bottle of vodka,

    a bottle of chardonnay and

    Bottle of Baileys, a butle of

    Kehuha, a pockage of

    Pingeuns, tha'mainder of botl

    Prozic an Valum prscriptins,

    The res of the chesescke, an a

    Bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr

    Who gud I fel!!

    ****Peas sen dis orn to dem

    You fel AR in ned ov inr

    Pece...............................................

    ...............hic!

Try and read this without laughing!!!

Fiona78 — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:48:01 GMT

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'’ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

I'm Coming Back As A Bear

Wooby — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:30:32 GMT

Hi all

When I leave this life, I definately want to come back as a bear. LOL!!!!

What do you think????????/

Keep smiling

Wendy:D

Youtube video about food (comedy)

Obezyanka — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:00:33 GMT

Hey guys,

I found this video title Love Letters. It is about a man, carbs, fruit and vegies and also a pie.

I have to warn that there is strong language near the end. But if you watch it then you will understand how this guy is going through when we first start on our TF diets lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tkNZTyFauA

Two Brooms

Mrs M — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:07:59 GMT

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

poems

Benno699 — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:47:47 GMT

found this to be familar!

Battle Of The Bulge

"I'll start a new one Monday", we've heard it all before,
but if I don't really start one soon I won't make it through the door.

I start with good intentions of that I can't deny,
I'm getting fatter by the hour, I'll really have to try.

So no more chips or chocolate, no more 'pigging out'
I'll be be very careful what I eat of that there'll be no doubt.

I'll watch my waist get tiny, I'll watch my figure thin,
Oh what a joy it's going to be to at last be nice and slim.

I can see me walking down the street in dress size number ten,
I just have to resist and resist I will when I get a hungry yen.

With exercise in every form and regular daily jogs,
you'll see me lazing by the pool in my top designer togs.

So come join me all you tubbies, come join with me at last,
I'll need all the help that I can get to get me through this fast.

If you see me eating lollies or sneaking greasy fries,
then smack my hand and click your tongue, remind me of my size.

I'm sure that I can make it, I just need a little space
before Monday comes around again, till then I'll "stuff my face"!

and another

Introduction
We read of the dangers to our health from BAD eating habits and THEN they publish the most dreamy recipes that we just CANNOT deny ourselves.
Health Hazard?
I often buy the weekly magazines
and quite often there's a page
where the experts can tell us how
to reach a ripe old age,
By watching every morsel
and all the goodies that we eat,
They say we shouldn't eat so much
of eggs and cheese and meat,
And cream must be avoided
and all that butter's not much good,
salt and sugar too, are out
and so is all that "pud".
For cholesterol will build up,
clogging arteries and veins,
not to mention useless flab
that shows up in kilo gains!
For our bodies cannot take it,
it strains our poor old heart,
if we continue such bad habits,
from this life we will depart.
Further on in this same magazine,
there's recipes, of course,
where pies and pastries stare at us,
bathed in luscious sauce,
And lovely quiches, cakes and slice
to sway our good intentions,
but what they do to arteries,
somehow never rates a mention!
I am confused, to say the least,
by all this contradiction,
I really wonder what is fact
and what in fact is fiction?
From all that I have read and
the information I have gathered,
I can only think that eating
is just a DAMNED HEALTH HAZARD!
Copyright; Heather Beale